Charmed S2E3 "The Painted World"

Charmed has taught us that being a powerful witch is more of a burden than anything, but in “The Painted World,” the third episode of Charmed’s second season, we learn of one plus side: having the power to truly fuck over an ex you despise.

Say you have this ex, who not only does NOT pay your telephone bills NOR your automobills, but who turns out to be an evil warlock from the pits of hell. Not only could you trap them in a dusty painting of a wretched Gothic manse for eternity, you could also design it so that said mansion spews a whole lot of fireballsin their direction at any given time, FOREVER. 

We also learn that a “benefit” of being a witch is that you can cast a “smart spell” on yourself, which would give you the super bright idea of drawing a super detailed, super unhinged pictorial representation of a swarm of sperm attacking a lady orb (aka an egg) and giving said drawing to a tween girl, passing it off as sex education. 

But what else would you expect from an episode of television directed by someone named Kevin Inch aka “Seven Inch” Kevin Inch?

Charmed S2E2 "Morality Bites"

Being a good person is really annoying and inconvenient. You know this, I know this, and the Halliwell sister have to learn this harsh lesson in “Morality Bites,” the second episode of Charmed’s second season. 

What is the point of having powers if you can never use them for your own benefit? Since learning they are witches, the Halliwell sisters have had to deal with demon after demon, warlock after warlock, failed relationship after failed relationship. Don’t they deserve to at least derive some tangible (Tangella) benefit from witchcraft? 

The answer to that question is apparently “no,” and not only that--if you use your powers for your own gain, you could end up being burned at the stake by a serpentine, opportunistic politician!! Somebody call 9-1-1 cause shawty fire burning on the dance floor except this time not in a good way…

To add onto the absolute tragedies, atrocities and criminal offences that occur in this episode, Future Prue is serving crusted, busted and dusted with her dry ass blond wig. Haven’t the sisters been punished enough?!

Charmed S2E1 "Witch Trial"

We're back, baby! And better than ever! Which isn't a high bar to surpass because, as we all know, we are the podcast that refuses to grow in any form, even when we venture into the magical landscape that is season 2 of Charmed! We're starting things off strong with this little piece of 90s insanity as the Haliwell sisters battle the forces of darkness (as per sploogual) and Prue grapples with the death of a former lover. Plus all the tomfoolery you know and love this podcast for. New year, new levels of ridiculous content! Wait, so maybe we do improve... just not in the way any of our (nonexistent) listeners would like, we assume, because, again, no one is listening to this silliness. But it keeps us going! And that's half the battle.

Charmed S1E22 "Deja Vu All Over Again"

At Jem Girls podcast, we have become time specialists. When it comes to time, we’ve seen and done it all. We’ve spread our cheeks and taken a pounding from father time himself. We’ve stuck our meaty rods into wormholes, blasting our cosmic seeds into the outer limits of the space-time continuum. We’ve jerked off onto calendars and spewed our loads onto sundials…need we say more? 

But this episode (the FINALE of Charmed’s first season) takes us places we’ve never been before. We got Tempus, a demon who controls time, who keeps resetting time so that an inept warlock named Rodriguez (we just call him “Rod” on this pod, tho) can kill the Charmed Ones.

We also got Morris gaying it up to unprecedented levels when he says that he wants to “back his partner” (i.e., Andy) at least three times, which we all know means he wants to back his booty hole onto Andy’s swollen member. I wouldn’t be mad if that happened on my Skrenes, that’s for sure!

Either way, this episode also marks the beginning of a short hiatus for the Immortal Frenemies. The She-E-Os of the Jem Girls Media Cumglomerate need some respite from the never-ending cumming and glomerating we do into your earballs. I’m sure your earballs could use a break, too.

Charmed S1E21 "Love Hurts"

We’re almost at the end of the season! Before we close out our initial season of Charmed, however, we’ve got to deal with one stalker-of-an-ex-boyfriend who has death hands!

Technically it’s Eric Foreman’s sister who has to deal with the aforementioned abuser (thanks, multiverse!) but we’re the main character of this meta-narrative so anything that’s happening in the show is actually happening to us in our real lives. So, yes, we also need to save Leo from a darklighter arrow (or something like that) before he shuffles off the mortal coil. It’s best not to think too hard about it. We certainly don’t!

Charmed S1E20 "The Power of Two"

No funny jokes or nonsensical rants today, dear listeners, because here in the Charmed fandom (Charmisphere? Charmedom? Charmography?) it's still a solemn time. We lost the apex of the Halliwell sister power triangle over the weekend, with Shannen Doherty, who of course played Prue, passing away on July 13 after a long battle with breast cancer.

All we can do is offer our sincere gratitude to the woman who ALWAYS brought the eyeballs to the Charmed party. We know we're going to lose Prue/Doherty at some point in the show's timeline, it just sucks to see that loss venture out here in the real world.

If you're torn up a bit like we are, then we hope our dumb rantings (recorded well before the news broke) will help ease the pain a bit... but more likely make it worse because we often have nothing nice to say.

Charmed S1E20 "Out of Sight"

As an ocularly-obsessed podcast we, the Immortal Frenemies/Jem Girls, strive for eyeball-inclusion at every blink of passing time (time being an eyeball, btw). And while, in this here episode of Charmed, two of the show's best supporting actors (Prue's eyeballs; they've been doing the most since day one, henny) are shunted into minor roles, we can't help but celebrate all of the other (Hakim) optical hijinx that goes down in "Out of Sight." Whirly eyeball demons? Blind people who can somehow "see" through the power of eyeless sight? Eyeball-related kidnapping? Children getting zapped and nabbed (when one's eyeballs are electrocuted, then nabbed out 'yo face)? Truly, this episode has everything we want to see on our screen(ez).

Sure, we could tell you what ACTUALLY happens in "Out of Sight," but then YOU'D be losing sight of the core message. Which is: eyeballs, eyeballs everywhere, and may the Lord (of Eyeballs, duh.) bless us with more.

Charmed S1E18, "When Bad Warlocks Go Good"

We are near the end of Season 1 of Charmed (yay?) and, oh mama, the sense is dissipating rapidly. Like, this here episode, lacked a lick of sense. If you brought a spider to watch "When Bad Warlocks Go Good" that arachnid would be able to sense no sense. Which is saying something, because spiders are incredibly sensical and have extra-powerful spider senses. Read that in a comic book once.

What makes this almost-the-end-of-the-season-episode especially silly? We'd say it starts with the idea that Catholic priests are somehow immune from evil, hits an unseen high during an impromptu horseback riding race, with a denouement including Prue gaslighting Phoebe and Piper into helping some guy she "has a feeling" about. Okay, a lot of that is in a standard Charmed episode but we swear, our girl Prue is really losing all reason at this point.

As always, decide for yourself! Just remember to listen and share <3

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 17: "That '70s Episode"

Time, time, time, see what’s become of me…

I’m not sure this would be the JemGirls podcast if we didn’t wax poetic about the nature of time. We’ve said it before (and we’ll say it again) - time is an eyeball. You know this, I know this, your mom knows this and your aborthed fetus knows this too. This is simply the work of the Lord of Eyeballs and we’re all just players in his game. 

Because the Lord of Eyeballs makes the rules, you should never EVER fuck with time. Time travel can get real messy and can have devastating consequences for the present. I don’t need to edumacate you on this, especially if you’ve taken our seminar Time 101. 

The Halliwell sisters seem not to have gotten the memo, though, and they plunge into the bowels of time and come out the other end, way back to the 1970s when they were children and their mother and grams were still alive. They do this to stop a power-stealing warlock named Nickolas and they obviously manage to do this, just in the Nickleback of time. 

Charmed, S1E16, "Which Prue is it Anyway?"

Now here's a little math problem you probably didn't see in school: The kinetic power of one set of (read: two) eyeballs is multiplied by how much force when the number of sets is raised by three? And by how much is that kinetic force restrained when two sets of eyeballs have been murdered by a mystical sword and the remaining, original set is wearing sunglasses?

Technically, this is one of the universal mysteries, so there isn't one definitive answer. Also, technically, this is exactly what this episode of Charmed is basically about. Whether or not "Which Prue is Anyway?" secretly bears a hidden knowledge that explains the meaning of life and is only known to mystics of the highest order is up for you to decide.

Actually, no, it isn't! That's our job!

Keeping that very important fact in mind, the answer is, yes. To all of the aforementioned questions. Plus the secret of life (which, by the way, is not THE secret) for good measure. Oh ya, and be sure to enjoy our general ramblings!

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 15: "Is There a Woogy in the House?"

As children, we all feared basements for one reason or another, cause let’s be real: basements are essentially portals to hell. 

Since basements are cold and dark (and generally avoided unless absolutely necessary), they are the perfect places to commune with demons, hide your mother’s mummified corpse, and/or impregnate chained up women to create babies to sell on the black market. 

In the Halliwell Manor, the basement is home to a shadow demon called the “Woogy Man”, who aside from being a terrifying and malevolent ghoul, also has catch phrases such as “Don’t be jealous of my woogy” and “how you woo-in” (he is a Wendy Williams-type in another dimension). 

This episode of Charmed also sees Phoebe finally gain a (temporary) active power. After being possessed by the Woogy Man, she can magically conjure large blunt force objects such as baseball bats and machetes to murder her sisters. She’s also kind of serving evil gay slut bitch energy and we love that for her. 

It’s also fun to think about how if Phoebe actually DID murder her sisters with a machete, she could simply shrug her shoulders and sing the tune “Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame it on the good times, blame it on the Woogy.”

Charmed, S1E14, "Secrets and Guys"

Ordinarily, we'd start one of these episode-blog posts about some random element of the story at-hand. Instead, we begin with a dire warning:

Ok, so, listen. They see us orb'ing, and they're all hating, absorbing and trying to catch us orb'ing dirty. Which is obviously not the case. Sure, we may orb as a single orb instead of orb'ing as a column every once in a while. Who doesn't? To imply we orb in any fashion that isn't orphan style (or, more broadly, "orphenomenally") is like saying we, the Jem Girls, aren't collectively known as the "Lizzo for orphans." Just be sure to (shhh!) not tell your mother. For obvious reasons.

And end simulation! Whew! Did that feel like a minor hallucination or what! The best part is, this is merely a tidbit of our discussion of Charmed, Season 1, episode 14, "Secrets and Guys." We actually do talk about what happens with the Halliwell sisters but mostly, the above paragraph is our conversational terrain. Enjoy (and be sure to read the above again after listening because it does follow a twisted logic <3)!

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 13: "From Fear to Eternity"

"From Fear to Eternity," this week's episode of Charmed, raises a lot of questions for the viewer. For one, why do the demon of fear's teeth be like that? But primarily (and tangentially) - what the fuck kind of name is Tanjella, and why is it the best name I've ever heard? 

Must be tanjelly cause jam don't shake, for real mama, cause this name is giving us all that needs to be given, hunties! Is she Nigella Lawson's evil twin, Tanjella Lawson? Is she the late, great anti-apartheid activist, Nelson Tanjella? Is she tan jello, the recommended side dish to man jello? Or perhaps she is simple the tangible (tanjible?) manifestation of our innermost fears. Actually, I think she could just be one of them tanjellicle cats from the internationally reviled movie adaptation of Cats the musical. 

Speculation aside, no one truly has the answers to my questions but all I know is that I am tanjealous that I don't have a cool name like that!

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 12: "The Wendigo"

We did a bit of research into this episode, more than the usual none, because we already knew it would deal with some heavy topics. Top of them all, of course, is violence towards WendigoWilliams in any shape, way, or form. Fortunately, the showrunners behind Charmed understand how endangered the Wendigowilliams population (Only one has been sighted in the last decade! Mind you, she does keep getting sighted... and had a TV show. We talked about it for a minute!) is and we're happy to report not a single Wendigowilliams was harmed during the filming of this episode.

For anyone not familiar with the traditional Indigenous myth of the "Wendigo," or the modern urban myth of the Wendy Williams, then that whole paragraph probably meant nothing but nonsense to you. Honestly, you don't even need a knowledge of either to see the nonsense.

Same goes for this episode of Charmed, because, while the story does prominently feature a Wendigo, what we're really seeing is more of a... werewolf? Like, mama, if a wolf talks like a duck, hunts by the full moon like a duck and infects via bite/scratch like a duck, then, henny, that wolf is certainly were.

Sorry, mixing metaphors for no reason again. Getting back on trackula.

In sum, this wendigo is more of a werewolf. Not that its central to the plot (or our conversation) much at all. We just wanted to make sure you got at least a bit of edumacation today. Listen and enjoy!

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 11: "Feats of Clay"

For some, the title “Feats of Clay” might be super misleading. It truly sounds like a docuseries on the many accomplishments of America’s sweetheart, Clay Aiken. Although we’ve known for a while now that Clay Aiken is the gayest person in the world, there was a brief period of time where he’d managed to convince people he was straight. Not only that, but he stole the hearts of gaggles of women across America’s saddest flyover states, who adoringly called themselves “Claymates.” If this isn’t a feat of Clay, I don’t know what is. 

Another of his career triumphs was his debut single “Invisible”, where he unabashedly spewed out the lyrics “If I were invisible, I’d watch you in your room”, and he didn’t even get cancelled for being a massive creep! How did he do it?!

But his most masterful stroke, his most devious stratagem is how he got us all to believe that he is a human being and not an extraterrestrial humanoid tapeworm wearing a flesh suit. You almost had me fooled there, Clay! Well done!

So yeah, this episode of Charmed is actually about none of that, but the title took me there so now that’s all I remember about this episode (and I guess ancient Egypt and white bitches from Syracuse donning Pharaoh-face). 

But also, sorry not sorry Clay Aiken for calling you an alien tapeworm! I really do love your impact 😘 

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 10: "Wicca Envy"

What exactly is “Wicca envy”? Is it a scented candle with the fragrance of sage and patchouli handcrafted by some white woman in her late thirties named Jennifer (although she goes by Amethyst now) and sold at your local farmers market for $35? Does said white lady also sell mugs that say things like “100% That Witch”, “Resting Witch Face”, and “Witch, Please”? 

Or is “Wicca envy” what you feel when you see a hot W.I.T.C.H (Woman In Total Control of Herself) strutting down the street with her hot caftan and bangles jangling with every step, her pussy clenched tightly around a yoni egg? (Of course, you can’t see her pussy but you know it’s doing the absolute most at all times).

Well, in this episode of Charmed, “Wicca envy” describes Rex and Hannah’s obsession with stealing the Charmed Ones’ powers once and for all. Rex uses a new power he gained to control everyone’s minds, frame Prue for stealing some tiara, seduce Phoebe, and get Prue to murder a janitor with a tiny piece of wood (I am still not sure how that even happened).

Our favourite witches not only narrowly avoid losing their powers, but Prue also SOMEHOW escapes criminal charges (AGAIN). These really are the “Charmed Ones” because these bitches have the best luck of anyone who has ever lived. Now I have Wicca envy. 

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 9: "The Witch is Back"

We all know time is an eyeball. Established fact. Please see every other episode of this podcast for an explanation.

So, again, it's given that time is an eyeball. Does that mean, then, to move through time, is to roll backwards on the eye? Or perhaps, through the eye? Or, as is the most likely, you ARE the eyeball, rolling back into the face (which is the embodiment of the "space" part of the space/time continuum. I mean, "face" and "place" rhymes so I'm just reading the writing on the wall, people) as your eyes take you to a different temporal locale.

And that's exactly what happens in this episode of Charmed! Ok, obviously not really, but we do get some sort-of time traveling ... or at least a couple folks displaced in time. One of them being Melinda Warren, the witch who started it all! The other is some Fabio-looking guy who does not look trustworthy in the slightest.

Will the Halliwell sisters survive a literal (by which I mean, figurative) blast from the past? Can Piper finally seal the deal with Leo? And will Prue's face ever straighten out? Probably not on that last one, but you'll have to listen to find out the rest!

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 8: "The Truth Is Out There...And It Hurts"

The truth is out there and…

It turns out feminism is a lie. C’mon ladies, Do you actually believe you have any inherent value as a human being? Pshhht…don’t delude yourselves, hennies.

This episode of Charmed has really driven home the fact that the only true purpose any woman can serve is to give birth to important men. And when she’s not spewing out men from her pussy hole, the only other thing she should be doing is serving people sandwiches. From a wagon.

As Lizzo once famously said (sorry I know she’s cancelled): “turns out I’m 100% that bitch [who serves sandwiches out of a wagon].”

So, ladies, instead of gaslighting ourselves into believing we have to work hard and actually achieve things ourselves, we ought to realize that true female empowerment means getting knocked up with a male embryo (embry-bro if you’re nasty) and serving people a conveniently packaged meal that can be enjoyed on the go (i.e., a sandwich).

For on that fated day when the Earl of Sandwich placed meat atop two pieces of bread, he not only paved the way for Meat Moguls such as Oscar Meyer; he also sealed the destiny for women across time and space, forever and always.

And the men, you ask? The living room couch their throne and the world their domain, they impatiently wait for their women to serve them a sandwich, because it is what they are owed. And when their women insolently forget their duty to provide sandwiches unprompted, the men yell out in rage: “GOD DAMMIT WOMAN! WHERE THE HELL’S MY SANDWICH?!”

And so it is written…

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 7: "The Fourth Sister"

Logically speaking, if two is company, and three's a crowd, then "four" must be even worse form of grouping. Maybe "four's an unbearable teen with weak eyebrow game who makes everything kind of worse"? Just spitballing here, based off of what we get when we add another Halliwell sister to the mix.

Unfortunately, no, we are not yet graced with the presence of Rose McGowan, the future fourth sister. Instead, this early on in the series (and way before Prue gets killed off), we get the far inferior Aviva.

Who is this kid? Why is she up in the Charmed Ones business? What does Aunt Jackie have to do to get rid of her? And where in the universe did Aviva's other eyebrow go? Because at least one of the eyebrows on Aviva's face is a transplant or orphan or something.

We, as per always, will discuss these burning questions at length in yet another installment of the Charmcast by the Immortal Frenemies (but also still the JemGirls)

Charmed, Season 1 Episode 6 “The Wedding from Hell”

If there's one thing we like on this podcast, it's a demon-queen hell-witch fixing to funk up some rich people's lives with her dastardly deeds. If there's one thing we DON'T like, it's some willy-nilly-shrilly basic female who only complains about not being able to keep her man down. For better or Borth, Season 1, Episode 5 of Charmed "Wedding from Hell" has both!

We'll not focus on the shrill side of things and instead keep our collective eyeballs pointed at the Hecate in the room. Or, if you're Prue Halliwell, 'HuhKaTee' (someone didn't get a good witchemucation). Pronunciation aside, we can't abide by Hecate's killing of a stripper/maybe sex worker, though we do stan her coming to Earth every few centuries to birth the anti-christ. Work, sis.

There are some other elements in this wedding-heavy episode (Piper is pregnant with a demon baby! Maybe! A priest dies!) which was apparently supposed to air second in the season, not fifth. Oh, and the longtime show-runner of the series described this episode as among "the worst" in the whole series. So much fun to be had!